Resurrect Reflection

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 | Category: My Character
entry May 17 2008, 08:11 PM
Lost.

Found.

Disappear.

Return.

I'm back again, within the city walls. Though I've no more clues about what happened then when I left to search them out. Seems my memory about that time while I was away won't likely return as easily as my memory of past friends after meeting them again. And even then, I know I haven't re-met everyone I had known. There are still blurred images of people in my mind. I don't know if they'll clear up, if I'll ever see any of them again.

But that is in my past, and per suggestion of a new friend, I'm trying to move on. Though I haven't seen her since my return. I'm not sure she's still around either. Then again, I can't say I'm sure any of my friends, new or remembered, are still around. I've only seen a few people since I've returned, and none of them were people I knew previously.

Moving on is nice, but I'd like some ties to my past, however few there may be. It lets me know that I have a past of some sort. Keeps me somewhat grounded, gives me a point of reference. I know where it would be that I'd be able to find some of them, assuming that hasn't changed, and they are still around. I suppose I'll just have to make my way out there and check on it. I should actively try myself grounded, at least a little bit.

 | Category: My Character
entry Feb 23 2007, 11:30 PM
Mind.

Body.

Soul.

All of these seem to be rotting, I a reanimated shell. A doll of my former self, mastered along by the pull of ethereal strings from an ethereal being.

My body...I think I have the sickness that's going around the city. It's been said it was caused by some woman...though strangely, I had no contact with anyone before I felt the symptoms...sadly, I had contact with a number afterward. Some strange lady carrying candles for Lord Flaern...who by contact also would have been hit...Rosina, Cravik, Kalani, Hemo...I don't think anyone else...I wonder if they all got symptoms too...in order, no less. Then all those they may have come in contact with. By the Seven, I'd rather not think about it.

My mind...ravaged at first by the paranoia...caused by my own thoughts and musings, images and thoughts of Kalani's departure from my side hallucinogenic, only to be later confirmed. I've no one to blame...except whatever it was that caused my death, perhaps... Despite this, I'm still angry...or I was. I've calmed down a bit...that may very well change the next time I run into her, or my friend Hemo. I'm undecided, unclear on what action to take. She says she loves me still, yet went directly against her word. This rift has led to another rift, a tear in...

My soul...It tells me I still love Kalani, despite how angry, betrayed, crushed I feel. Yet it also tells me to find a way to move on...to let her go about her new life, with her new love. And yet another part is longing for a return to which my mind cannot recall, a feeling where none of these things could affect me so...which, through my own reasoning, would require my loss of memory to decide to pick up where it left off and envelop me to the present, or to let myself be engulfed by the ever-waiting arms of Annwn.

Mind.

Body.

Soul.

Three parts, intertwined, yet out of sync. What's a man to do?

 | Category: My Character
entry Feb 19 2007, 03:31 AM
Placid.

Serene.

How I long for my mind to return to a state such as that of this lake I look upon. Its only disturbance being the line I cast out from my fishing pole, searching for sustenance, both culinary and monetary. It's not those I'm lacking...they aren't the whole cause for my spending endless hours in the Gardens, line cast, mind lost.

How is my love, my dear Kalani? How are my friends? Who's alive, who's dead, who's gone, who's still here? I can't remember the last time I really spoke with any of them, the last laugh, last story, last contented sigh at the end of long night of conversation by the hearth.

I can't blame this lack of memory on my death...that happened a while ago, and I've been filled in on what I had forgotten...or, at least I think so. Spared by what I can only assume was Lord Melchior's intervening on my behalf. I can think of one main reason for my wanting to return...for my Kalani.

Seeing her face, hearing her giggle, feeling her warmth...they let me know that it was worth coming back. Yet I don't much see her anymore. In her presence is the only time my mind is willing to relax, to let go of all that runs constantly through it. I even meditate, following the practices of Melchior, yet receive little clarity, which pales in comparison to time spent with my love.

I don't like her seeing me like this, don't like her worrying...so I unconsciously-or is it consciously?-try to avoid her when I'm in my mood. Sadly, I'm in this mood increasingly often, and with her increasingly less so.

She is my tether, yet the link holding us together seems to be fraying...at no fault of hers, but of mine. Despite her promise of being with me forever, I can't help but think my actions--more like inactions--are pushing her away from that. I haven't been around to support her...or even know if there is anything she needs my support for. I wish she knew that she was what is keeping me even semi-grounded, with my mind flying off wherever and whenever it wishes.

Things might be easier for me if I had remained dead...but they wouldn't have been on her. She has to be why I came back. And now all of that is for naught. I came back for her, but I'm not around for her. Some true love I turned out to be. Maybe I would be better off dead even still. She'd be free to live her life, and my mind free to wander about wherever it may.

There I go again. Maybe I'll cast out this line, and reel myself back in.

 | Category: Me
entry Feb 15 2007, 05:38 AM
Some of you know me, some of you don't. Of those that do, you haven't seen me logged on much as of late...well, for quite some time actually. I thought maybe this semester would make it a bit easier on me to have some time to stop by, but so far, I haven't been able to get into that groove yet. I'm restructuring my life a bit, so I may be able to find some time, I hope.

In the interim, since I was graciously given this blog (and since now I don't have to go and find one somewhere), I was thinking that maybe I could still 'participate' in some manner that won't leave me sitting at my computer and then 5+ hours later wondering where the time has gone, and how I'm going to get up by 730 for school on only a few hours sleep.

So, this is what I've decided to do...keep an running blog of my character. I figure I owe my character, as well as those attached to/affected by him, the opportunity to express himself and continue his story in any way I can manage, time-wise. This should be easier for the time being until I can get some play time, seeing as how I have only one character to worry about.

Here's hoping I still have him when next I log on. Tootles.

 
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